Family Guy Episode Guide - Season 3

Information collected from TV Guide for each episode.

Family Guy Episode Guide #29. The Thin White Line (1) (edit)
First aired: 7/11/2001
Family Guy Writer: Steve Callaghan
Family Guy Director: Glen Hill
Family Guy Guest star: Thomas Dekker (Various), June Foray (Rocky), Leif Garrett (Himself), Haley Joel Osment (Various)
Brian feels like he's stuck in a rut so he takes his therapist's advice and tries to help others for a change. He ends up a very successful drug-sniffing dog for the Quahog police department, but along the way he gets addicted to cocaine. Peter is disappointed when the Griffin family has to cancel their planned vacation in the Bahamas to help support Brian who is in rehab, but decides to tag along with his dog when he sees the beautiful clinic. A therapist at the clinic tells Brian that Peter is a bad influence on him. Although Brian defends his friend and leaves rehab in protest, the wise dog realizes he does need some time away from the Griffin family and leaves Quahog for parts unknown.



Family Guy Episode Guide #30. Brian Does Hollywood (2) (edit)
First aired: 7/18/2001
Family Guy Writer: Gary Janetti
Family Guy Director: Gavin Dell
Family Guy Guest star: Louise DuArt (Various), Olivia Hack (Various), Jenna Jameson (Herself), Ron Jeremy (Himself), Ray Liotta (Himself)
Brian is a struggling screenwriter in Hollywood, which really means he's waitering and washing cars. Brian's cousin introduces the lost dog to a local producer who offers Brian a job directing... a porno. Meanwhile, Stewie has a successful audition for Kids Say the Darndest Things, and plots to use hypnotizing glasses on national television to take over the world. The Griffins get a free trip to Los Angeles due to Stewie's TV appearance and come to visit Brian at work. Brian is ashamed of working in porn and tries to hide it from his family, leading them to believe that he's now a stuck-up Hollywood big shot. Brian is miserable when he is nominated for a Woody Award for porn directing and can't share it with his family. Luckily, Brian's cousin calls the Griffins and tells them about the award. Brian's family is there to support him when he wins the Woody, and he realizes that it was a mistake to leave Quahog. Stewie's plot is foiled when Bill Cosby unwittingly uses the young boy's glasses and hypnotizes Stewie into being a complacent kid.



Family Guy Episode Guide #31. Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington (edit)
First aired: 7/25/2001
Family Guy Writer: Ricky Blitt
Family Guy Director: Brian Hogan
Family Guy Guest star: Ricky Blitt (Various), Louise DuArt (Various), Olivia Hack (Various), Meredith Scott Lynn (Various), Alyssa Milano (Herself), Brian Doyle-Murray (Various), Jack Sheldon (Various)
Peter's toy company gets bought out by the Eldorado cigarette company, and the toys are then used to market cigarettes to children. When Peter, on Lois's advice, confronts his new bosses about their evil use of toys, they promote Peter to president to shut him up. Lois, pleased with all the perks that come with Peter's new position, keeps her mouth shut too, while Brian quits smoking in protest. Peter's bosses send him to Washington to lobby against a bill that would put them out of business, because they figure politicians will be able to relate to a big dumb fat guy. When Lois finds Stewie smoking a cigarette, she goes down to Washington to stop what Peter's doing, and Peter ends up getting his tobacco company fined $100,000,000.



Family Guy Episode Guide #32. One If By Clam, Two If By Sea (edit)
First aired: 8/1/2001
Family Guy Writer: Jim Bernstein, Michael Shipley
Family Guy Director: Dan Povenmire
Family Guy Guest star: Hugh Laurie (Various), Alan Shearman (Various), Edward Asner ((voice) Steven Bellows)
When a hurricane strikes Quohog, everything is destroyed including The Drunken Clam, which is bought out by a Brit who turns it into an English pub. As it happens, pub owner Nigel Pinchley and his family move in next door to the Griffins, and Stewie tries to teach Nigel's Cockney-accented 3-year-old daughter how to speak proper English.


Family Guy Episode Guide #33. And the Wiener is... (edit)
First aired: 8/8/2001
Family Guy Writer: Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman
Family Guy Director: Bert Ring
Family Guy Guest star: Patrick Duffy (Jack), Lisa Wilhoit (Various), Debra Wilson (Various)
Peter joins a gun club but when he takes Chris on a father-son hunting trip, it takes brains, not brawn, to save them. Meanwhile, Meg finds herself the target of the cool kids' wrath at school.



Family Guy Episode Guide #34. Death Lives (edit)
First aired: 8/15/2001
Family Guy Writer: Mike Henry
Family Guy Director: Rob Renzetti
Family Guy Guest star: Adam Carolla (Death), Peter Frampton (Himself), Estelle Harris (Death's Mom), Laura Silverman (Various)
When Peter sets up a distracting scavenger hunt for Lois so that he can sneak away and play golf on their anniversary, he is struck by lightning. While he hovers in limbo, Death comes to give him a revelation. Through flashbacks of his relationship with Lois, Peter realizes that if he doesn't pay more attention to his beloved wife, she will leave him. At the same time, Peter gives Death dating tips, and gets the grim reaper a date with a girl from a pet store... who turns out to be incredibly boring. Peter gets out of limbo just in time to surprise Lois with Peter Frampton playing "their song" when she arrives to bust him playing golf.



Family Guy Episode Guide #35. Lethal Weapons (edit)
First aired: 8/22/2001
Family Guy Writer: Chris Sheridan
Family Guy Director: Brian Hogan
Family Guy Guest star: Michael Chiklis (Bronx Guy), Peter Gallagher (Various), Alastair Sherman (Various)
Bonnie convinces Lois to join her Tae-Jitsu class and Quahog is invaded by New York "leafers" coming to look at the pretty colored leaves in fall. Lois quickly becomes a black-belt, and Peter uses his new dangerous wife to drive away all the annoying New Yorkers. However, Lois's new-found violent side finds its way into the Griffin household, and after trying counseling, the whole family has an all-out brawl to get it out of their system.



Family Guy Episode Guide #36. The Kiss Seen Around the World (edit)
First aired: 8/29/2001
Family Guy Writer: Mark Hentemann
Family Guy Director: Pete Michels
Family Guy Guest star: Michael Chiklis (Various), Hugh Downs (Himself), Ralph Garman (Gene Rayburn), Mark Hentemann (Various), D.D. Howard (Various), Abe Vigoda (Himself), Lisa Wilhoit (Various)
When Meg, due to her crush on Tom Tucker, the newscaster, applies for an internship at the local television station and gets the job, she is disappointed to find that her news partner is the most reviled nerd in school, Neil. Caught in a life-threatening news situation, Meg laments that she never had a first kiss and agrees to kiss Neil only to find that he taped the whole thing in order to broadcast it across the world. Meg broadcasts her own news that she has no interest in Neil, sending him to the ledge on top of Town Hall. She breaks his fall, only to find out that he had no intention of jumping and was just trying to get her attention again. Stewie's prized new tricycle is stolen by the neighborhood bully, but the bully soon learns not to screw with Stewie.



Family Guy Episode Guide #37. Mr. Saturday Knight (edit)
First aired: 9/5/2001
Family Guy Writer: Steve Callaghan
Family Guy Director: Michael Dante DiMartino
Family Guy Guest star: David Berry (Bobby), Johnny Brennan (Mafioso), Adam Carolla (Death), Jackson Douglas (Various), Charles Durning (Francis), R. Lee Ermey (Coach), Will Ferrell (Black Knight), Ralph Garman (Gene Rayburn), Jimmy Kimmel (Various), Justin Koznar (Various)
Peter's boss dies and the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory is destroyed in order to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. Out of a job, Peter decides to follow his lifelong dream of becoming a knight with the traveling Renaissance Fair, but when he's caught in a compromising position with the infamous Black Knight's wench, he must defend his family's reputation in an old-fashioned duel.



Family Guy Episode Guide #38. Fish Out of Water (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 9/19/2001
Family Guy Writer: Alex Borstein, Mike Henry
Family Guy Director: Bert Ring
Family Guy Guest star: Michael Chiklis (Various), Ralph Garman (Various), Brian Doyle-Murray (Various), Lisa Wilhoit (Various)
Still out of work and now grotesquely overweight, Peter finally decides to find his true calling: fishing. He doesn't have the money to buy a boat so he goes to a police auction and overbids on one. Peter visits a loan shark and unwittingly signs a contract that will put him in debt forever. When Peter finds out about a mythic fish with a price on its head, he realizes that it's his best way of getting all his money back and his now repossessed house and possessions. Peter and the guys set out to catch Daggermouth, the man-eating bluefish. They go out and find the fish, only it turns out to be a robot. He collects the cash and gets everything back. Meanwhile, Lois tries to cheer up Meg because she wasn't invited anywhere for spring break. Lois takes her to a beach party and Meg gets jealous of all the attention her mom is getting. When it becomes too much to bare, Meg decides to flash all the spring breakers. Lois and Meg consequently get arrested.



Family Guy Episode Guide #39. Emission Impossible (edit)
First aired: 11/8/2001
Family Guy Writer: Dave Collard, Ken Goin
Family Guy Director: Peter Shin
Family Guy Guest star: Majet Barrett Roddenberry (Various), David Berry (Various), D.D. Howard (Various), Carol Kane (Various), Shawn Pyfrom (Various), Wallace Shawn (Various)
Peter and Lois visit Lois' sister Carole who is alone and pregnant since her husband walked out on her. While at the house, Carole goes into labor and Peter is forced to deliver. Overwhelmed by the experience, Peter and Lois decide to have another baby. A shocked and appalled Stewie however, makes it his mission to stop any conception whatsoever. Through varied attempts and schemes, Stewie is able to avoid any colloidal collisions between Peter and Lois, but when they lock him out of the room, he's forced to go into emergency mode. Stewie shrinks himself down to microscopic size and seeks out his new sibling (sperm-brother) inside Peter's body. Instead of killing his unborn brother, they hit it off - bonding over the desire to destroy Lois. Stewie leaves Peter's body with the new hope that his brother to-be will soon join him in his attempts at world domination.



Family Guy Episode Guide #40. To Live and Die in Dixie (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 11/15/2001
Family Guy Writer: Steve Callaghan
Family Guy Director: Dan Povenmire
Family Guy Guest star: Brian Dunkleman (Various), Dakota Fanning (Various), Ralph Garman (Various), Waylon Jennings (Himself), Kathleen Wilhoite (Various)
When Chris ID's a convenience store robber, his family is placed in the witness protection program and sent down to the Deep South for their own protection. There, Chris befriends a boy named Sam. When the town puts on a reenactment of the Civil War, reinventing history by having the South come away victorious, Peter questions the truth and the town turns against him. Because of Peter's "slander," Sam's father forbids Sam from seeing Chris. Upset, Sam kisses Chris on the mouth. Although flattered, Chris tells Sam that he's doesn't like him in a physical sense. Back in Quahog, A FBI agent accidentally tells the convenience store robber the location of the Griffins. At a party in the Deep South, Sam reveals to Chris that he's actually a girl. The robber arrives in the town and is about to kill Chris before the town residents step in and stop the thief.



Family Guy Episode Guide #41. Screwed The Pooch (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 11/29/2001
Family Guy Writer: Ken Goin, Dave Collard
Family Guy Director: Pete Michels
Family Guy Guest star: Bob Barker (Himself), Ralph Garman (Various), Don Lafontaine (Various), Jane Lynch (Various)
Brian admits to Peter and Lois that he has had a lot of sexual yearnings lately. Lois suggests that Brian join them on their visit to the Pewterschmidts for a change of scenery. In the meantime, Peter is determined to pick up the Pewterschmidt culture. Peter starts to impress Mr. Pewterschmidt, but all is for naught when he accidentally unties a knot while sailing. When Brian sees Mr. Pewterschmidt's dog, Sea Breeze, he loses it and attacks her. The doctor informs them that Sea Breeze is okay, but is pregnant. When Mr. Pewterschmidt refuses to let Brian near Sea Breeze or her litter, Brian sues Mr. Pewterschmidt for custody of the puppies, but only if he gets neutered. While Brian is in one room ready to be neutered, Sea Breeze is in another about to give birth. Just as Brian is about to neutered, Lois rushes in to save him and tells him that Sea Breeze gave birth to another breed and thus saving Brian from fatherhood.



Family Guy Episode Guide #42. Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? (edit)
First aired: 12/6/2001
Family Guy Writer: Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman
Family Guy Director: Scott Wood
Family Guy Guest star: Wayne Collins (Various), Meredith Scott Lynn (Various), Kim Parks (Various)
Chris gets a new job as the water boy for the basketball team. After being around the black players, Chris becomes a super-cool black dude in a white person's body. Cleveland takes Chris to learn about his own Irish heritage at a museum. Chris later visits a library to look up his genealogy and is elated to discover that a black man (Nate Griffin) was part of his family. Peter tries to embrace his black culture by visiting a black theatre and club, but he doesn't get it. When Lois' parents visit, it is revealed that the Pewterschmidts' ancestors owned Nate Griffin. The Pewterschmidts' give Peter money to alleviate their guilt. Soon Peter begins to suffer the discrimination of being black. While at a basketball game, Peter looks in the mirror and he sees Nate, who shows him that he has been selfish. Peter announces to everyone in the gym that he was a jerk for taking the money. He throws the cash in the air, and everyone scrambles to get their share, showing that all races are unified by greed. Meanwhile, Stewie plots to get rid of the head cheerleader so he can be on top of the pyramid.



Family Guy Episode Guide #43. Ready, Willing, and Disabled (edit)
First aired: 12/20/2001
Family Guy Writer: Alex Barnow, Marc Firek
Family Guy Director: Andi Klein
Family Guy Guest star: David Berry (Various), Valerie Bertinelli (Various), Tony Danza (Himself), Mark Hentemann (Various), Alex Rocco (Various)
When Joe loses a thief in a chase, he also loses his self confidence and pride as a police officer. Peter becomes determined to help Joe and offers to train him for the decathlon at the Olympics for handicapped athletes. Peter spikes Joe's drink with steroids and he goes on to win the gold medal and fame. Meanwhile, Stewie, Meg and Brian fight over a money clip and twenty six dollars.


Family Guy Episode Guide #44. A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 12/21/2001
Family Guy Writer: Danny Smith (IV)
Family Guy Director: Brian Hogan
Family Guy Guest star: Peter Criss (Various), Ace Frehley (Various), Gene Simmons (Himself), Paul Stanley (Various)
Lois loves the holiday season and is excited about decorating the house, opening presents and introducing Stewie to Santa Claus. Stewie, on the other hand, is completely paranoid about this fat man in a red suit who can somehow maintain 24-hour surveillance on all the world's children! Peter, sent to drop off one gift to Toys for Toddlers, accidentally gives all the family's presents to the charity. When he and Lois hit the mall to rebuy everything - they are caught up in the last-minute shopping madness. Lois and Peter are completely frazzled, but Lois clings desperately to the hope that they can still have wonderful Christmas. That hope is dashed, however, when they arrive home to find Brian, the house and the Christmas turkey burned to a crisp. Lois finally snaps and goes on quest to snatch the star from atop the city's huge Christmas tree. Only Stewie's motivational speech as the baby jesus (and a tranquilizer gun) can bring Lois back down to earth.


Family Guy Episode Guide #45. Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 1/17/2002
Family Guy Writer: Allison Adler
Family Guy Director: Dan Povenmire
Family Guy Guest star: A.J. Benza (Various), Adria Firestone (Various), Melora Hardin (Various), Jane Lynch (Various)
When Brian is arrested for drunk driving, he's forced to do community service, which consists of helping Peggy, a middle-aged, agoraphobic, bitter woman. Brian gets so fed up with her insanity, that he storms out of her house. Later, Brian watches a television documentary that reveals Peggy's past as a top advertising jingle singer of the 1950s and 60s. Brian warms up to her, realizing where her pain comes from, and eventually she warms up to him too. He convinces Peggy to actually go outside, but she gets by a bus. While on her deathbed, Brian and Peggy share a fantasy intimate moment, but as they are about to kiss, she dies. Meanwhile, Peter grows a beard and learns that a swallow has nested inside it. He wants to shave it off but can't when he finds out the bird is an endangered species. Peter eventually grows attached to the bird and starts feeling maternal. Lois is finally able to convince Peter to let the bird fly away and also teaches Brian about moving on with his life after Peggy's death.


Family Guy Episode Guide #46. From Method to Madness (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 1/24/2002
Family Guy Writer: Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman
Family Guy Director: Bert Ring
Family Guy Guest star: Ralph Garman (Various), Jane Lynch (Various), Denis Martell (Various), Mark Paredes (Various), Fred Willard (Various)
When Brian expresses his interest in theatre, Lois tells him to try out for the Quahog School of Performing Arts. During the audition, Brian turns in a mediocre performance and is dismissed by the judges. Stewie, determined to get Brian a second chance, throws a melodramatic fit. The teachers, impressed with Stewie's theatrics, enroll him in the rising stars program. Stewie doesn't realize he is struggling at the school until he overhears his teachers discussing how he and Olivia, the school's most promising but overly haughty student. will be asked to leave if they don't shine in the quarterly review. Stewie tells Olivia that they must put on the performance of a lifetime or they'll get kicked out, and their routine is a hit. Stewie and Olivia become fast friends, but the harmony ends when competition, pressure and fast-fame set in. Olivia walks off the stage mid-routine, leaving Stewie to finish the performance. Stewie takes his act solo, but is booed everywhere he goes. Meanwhile Meg finally gets a boyfriend, a boy from an all-American family. There's only one problem with this family though - they're nudists.


Family Guy Episode Guide #47. Stuck Together, Torn Apart (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 1/31/2002
Family Guy Writer: Mark Hentemann
Family Guy Director: Michael Dante DiMartino
Family Guy Guest star: Jennifer Love Hewitt (Various), Meredith Scott Lynn (Various)
Peter's jealousy reaches new heights when he accompanies Lois to the gynecologist. As the doctor prepares to examine Lois, Peter refuses to let him near her. Later, while shopping, Lois runs into an ex-boyfriend, Ross Fishman, who innocently asks her out for coffee. Fearful of Peter over-reacting, Lois sneaks off to meet Ross. At the same time, Joe picks up Peter for a joyride in his new high-tech surveillance van. While parked outside a diner, they see Lois and Ross inside. Using the van's high-tech gadgets, Peter misinterprets Lois and Ross' words. Angered, Peter decides to make Lois jealous by hiring prostitutes to pose as his ex-girlfriends. Realizing their marriage needs help, Lois and Peter see a marriage therapist, who suggests placing video cameras around the house for a week. After viewing the tapes, the therapist recommends that Peter and Lois date other people during a trial separation. Quagmire, hoping to take advantage of Lois' vulnerability, invites her on a date to a restaurant where they run into Peter and his gorgeous date, Jenner Love Hewitt. Lois becomes enraged with jealousy and shoos Peter's date away. They leave together happily. Meanwhile, Stewie and Brian accidentally super glue themselves together at the store. They have to wait a week before the solvent arrives in the mail. While stuck together, they actually begin to like one another. Of course, things return to normal the moment they're released from their glued prison.


Family Guy Episode Guide #48. Road to Europe (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 2/7/2002
Family Guy Writer: Daniel Palladino
Family Guy Director: Dan Povenmire
Family Guy Guest star: Andy Dick (Various), Jon Favreau (Various), Sean Flynn (Various), Lauren Graham (Various), Michelle Horn (Various), Don Lafontaine (Various), Jane Lynch (Various), Michael McKean (Various), Gene Simmons (Himself), Paul Stanley (Various), Fred Willard (Various), Sean Flynn Amir (Various)
Stewie is addicted to the British hot children's show "Jolly Farm Review" based on Mother Maggie, a benevolent figure who looks after kids on a farm. Brian makes fun of Stewie for watching the show, but Stewie is determined to visit Jolly Farm in England because he thinks he belongs there. He stows away on a British Airways jet, which he assumes is headed for London. Brian tries to drag Stewie off the plane, but before he can, the plane takes off. When the plane lands, they discover that they are in Saudi Arabia are stranded in the middle of a desert with no passports or resources to get out. As luck would have it, Brian and Stewie encounter a Comfort Inn in the middle of nowhere and manage to steal a hot-air balloon to fly home, but the contraption falls apart over Italy, just as the Pope is about to address the masses. Brian wants to head home, but Stewie insists on finding the Jolly Farm in England. When they finally get to England, Stewie runs onto the set of the show. His fantasy is crushed when he encounters only a set full of props and disgruntled people, including Mother Maggie. Brian shows Stewie Charles Dickens' modest house and points out that Dickens was able to rise out of poverty to accomplish great things and Stewie will be able to achieve success even though he feels stifled at the Griffin house. Meanwhile, Lois and Peter travel to KISS-stock, where Lois embarrasses herself because she doesn't know the lyrics to a KISS song. She redeems herself though when it's revealed that she once hooked up with band leader Gene Simmons!


Family Guy Episode Guide #49. Family Guy Viewer Mail #1 (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 2/14/2002
Family Guy Writer: Gene Laufenberg, Seth MacFarlane, Michael Shipley, Jim Bernstein
Family Guy Director: Pete Michels, Scott Wood, Michael Dante DiMartino
Family Guy Guest star: Adam Carolla (Death), Bil Goldberg (Bonebreaker), Judy Greer (Various), Kerrigan Mahan (Various), Regis Philbin (Himself), Kelly Ripa (Herself), Lane Schnaitter (Various), Michael Winslow (Various)
In a special three-story episode, Brian reads viewer mail and tries to answer profound questions: "Li'l Griffins" The Griffins as the little rascals. Kid versions of Peter, Joe, and Brian decide that they don't need girls. When they first meet Lois however, they quickly abandon their anti-girl sentiment. In school, Lois reads a book touting the virtues of bravery, and Peter and Quagmire try to prove who's the bravest by staying in a haunted house overnight. "No Bones About it" Peter rubs a beer bottle and a Genie pops out to grant him three wishes. Peter first wishes that Jackie Gleason wasn't dead. A zombie-like Gleason terrorizes the Griffins until Stewie blasts it dead. Peter then wishes he didn't have any bones. The Genie transforms him into a gelatin blob and he can no longer have sex. Upset, Peter flushes himself down the toilet and winds up in Hollywood. He meets a doctor who tells him about a re-boning procedure. Peter gets the operation, which turns out came from bones donated from his own family. "Super Griffins" A tanker truck containing radioactive waste slams into the Griffin house. The radiation affects each Griffin in a different way. Lois gains super strength while Peter has morphing ability. Lois tells her family that they must not abuse their powers. Of course that doesn't work and the town is forced to hold a meeting to see how to stop the Griffins from wreaking havoc. Adam West realizes he must fight fire with fire. He volunteers to roll around in toxic waste but he only gets lymphoma as a result. The Griffins, racked with guilt, use their powers to make Adam's recovery more comfortable.


Family Guy Episode Guide #50. When You Wish Upon a Weinstein (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 12/10/2004
Family Guy Writer: Ricky Blitt
Family Guy Director: Dan Povenmire
Family Guy Guest star: Andrea Beutner (Various), Ricky Blitt (Various), Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker), Ed McMahon (Himself), Peter Riegert (Various), Mary Scheer (Various), Ben Stein (Rabbi Goldberg)
The day that Peter buys volcano insurance is the day that Lois becomes fed up with their constant money problems. When Peter wishes for a Jewish "money guy" to help them, Max Weinstein comes to the rescue. After meeting Max, Peter decides Chris could be successful if he converted to Judaism as soon as possible, but the plans for a "quickie" bar mitzvah in Las Vegas are quickly foiled by Lois.