Family Guy Quotes - Quagmire

Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

Family Guy Quotes, Quagmire Quotes

Family Guy Quotes, Stewie Quotes

Lois Griffin from Family Guy: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
Family Guy Quotes, Family Guy Stewie Quotes



Stewie Griffin from Family Guy: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.
Quotes from "Family Guy Clips", Family Guy Stewie Quotes

Family Guy Quotes - Brian Griffin and Peter Griffin

Peter: It's already done. I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers last night.
Brian: All? Peter, only only one gift was for charity, the rest were for the family.
Peter: No, the rest were from the family. Weren't they? (Pauses.) Oh crap...since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
Brian: They had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter" on it so you must of thought it was from you, so you didn't...you know, its just easier to call you stupid.

Family Guy Quotes, Brian Griffin Quotes, Peter Griffin Quotes

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin

Stewie Griffin from Family Guy: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
Family Guy Quotes from Stewie.


(Lois Griffin finds a note in Chris's pocket)
Lois Griffin: "Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectful than that."
Stewie Griffin: "Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch."
Family Guy quotes from Lois Griffin, Stewie Quotes

Family Guy Quotes by Peter Griffin, Lois

Peter Griffin, from Family Guy, after the show was cancelled and then made a comeback after great DVD sales...

Peter Griffin: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Lois Griffin: Oh no Peter! How could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny....
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.

Family Guy Quotes, Peter Griffin Quotes, Lois Griffin Quotes

Family Guy Quotes from Peter, Stewie

Peter: I have a plan so good, it's retarded!
Family Guy Peter Quotes


Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.
Family Guy Stewie Quotes

Family Guy Stewie Quotes

Stewie from Family Guy (to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend):
Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!
Family Guy, Stewie from Family Guy Quotes

Stewie from Family Guy (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house):
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
Family Guy Stewie Quotes

Family Guy Peter Quotes

Peter (when he's hungover):
This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur skeltons.)
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.
Family Guy Quotes, Peter Quotes

Family Guy Episode Guide - Season 4

Information collected from TV Guide for each episode.

Family Guy Episode Guide #51. North by North Quahog (edit)
First aired: 5/1/2005
Family Guy Writer: Seth MacFarlane
Family Guy Director: Peter Shin
Family Guy Guest star: Don Lafontaine (Various), Hunter Gomez (Various), Bill Ratner (Various), Rick Kuhlman (Various), André Sogliuzzo (Various)
Peter decides to take Lois on a second honeymoon. But when things go awry, they end up posing as a famous actor/director to stay in his fancy hotel suite, where they inadvertently discover a copy of "The Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This." Peter and Lois attempt to destroy the film and end up in a high-speed chase with two Catholic priests hell-bent on saving the movie.


Family Guy Episode Guide #52. Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High (edit)
First aired: 5/8/2005
Family Guy Writer: Ken Goin
Family Guy Director: Pete Michels
Family Guy Guest star: Drew Barrymore (Teacher)
When Chris' teacher wins the lotto and quits, Brian fills in as the substitute. All's well until Brian is moved to another class where he must teach troubled kids to aim low. Meanwhile, Chris is instantly smitten with his new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart, who promises to be with him if he kills her husband. But when Lois finds the teacher's written instructions in Chris' laundry, she and Stewie conspire together to find answers and teach Chris a lesson.


Family Guy Episode Guide #53. Blind Ambition (edit)
First aired: 5/15/2005
Family Guy Writer: Steve Callaghan
Family Guy Director: Chuck Klein
Family Guy Guest star: Judd Hirsch (Judd Hirsch), Gina Gershon (Gina Gershon)
After Quagmire gets a key to the city by performing CPR, Peter notices he has nothing to be proud of. He then attempts to achieve fame by setting the world's record for most nickels swallowed. However, a slight miscalculation leaves him blind with nickel poisoning.


Family Guy Episode Guide #54. Don't Make Me Over (edit)
First aired: 6/5/2005
Family Guy Writer: Gene Laufenberg
Family Guy Director: Alex Frost
Guest star: Bob Widmer (Tin Man), Tara Strong (Meg (singing)), Gene Simmons (Gene Simmons)
When Meg asks a cute boy at school on a date and he turns her down, she looks to her family for support. In an effort to cheer her up, Lois takes Meg to the mall, where she gets the ultimate makeover. Meanwhile, Peter tries to start a band with the guys, but it's Meg's new look that has the record producers singing their praises. So the Griffins form a traveling family band that takes them all the way to New York to perform on "Saturday Night Live".


Family Guy Episode Guide #55. The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire (edit)
First aired: 6/12/2005
Family Guy Writer: Patrick Henry, Mike Henry
Family Guy Director: James Purdum
Family Guy Guest star:
When Peter hears screams coming from Cleveland and Loretta's house, he tries to help but discovers Loretta in a compromising position. Peter identifies the other man as Quagmire and decides to tell Cleveland of his wife's extracurricular activities. But when Loretta walks out on Cleveland he doesn't take it lying down on.


Family Guy Episode Guide #56. Petarded (edit)
First aired: 6/19/2005
Family Guy Writer: Alec Sulkin, Wellesley Wild
Family Guy Director: Seth Kearsley
Family Guy Guest star: Cloris Leachman (Cloris Leachman), LeVar Burton (Levar Burton), Ralph Garman (various), Gilbert Gottfried (Child Servis)
After winning a game of Trivial Pursuit, Peter is convinced he is a genius. To prove Peter wrong, Brian suggests he take a test of the MacArthur Genius Grant. The test results say that Peter is technically mentally challenged. Peter has no problem abusing this handicap until Lois is injured and the kids are taken away because Peter is not mentally fit for parenting.


Family Guy Episode Guide #57. Brian the Bachelor (edit)
First aired: 6/26/2005
Family Guy Writer: Mark Hentemann
Family Guy Director: Dan Povenmire
Family Guy Guest star: Mike Henry (I) (Cleveland Brown (Voice)), Mark Hentemann (Voice), Dr. Drew Pinsky (The Dermatologist (Voice)), Kevin Michael Richardson (Doug The Pimple (Voice)), Sebastian Siegel (Voice), Joey Slotnick (Various), Fred Tatasciore (Various), John Viener (Various), Michael Bell (Allstar (Voice)), Johnny Brennan (Mort Goldman (Voice)), Nancy Cartwright (Daffney (Voice)), Chris Cox (Various), John Erwin (Various), Jessica Biel (Brooke)
"The Bachelorette" comes to Quahog and Brian is chosen to be a contestant. Brian does not like the show, but participates just to have a vacation only to wind up falling in love with the bachelorette. Meanwhile, Chris gets a nasty pimple on his cheek, which talks to Chris and likes to cause mischief.


Family Guy Episode Guide #58. 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter (edit)
First aired: 7/10/2005
Family Guy Writer: Patrick Meighan
Family Guy Director: Greg Colton
Family Guy Guest star: Ray Romano (Raymond), John Viener (Various), Hillary Tuck (Various), Denis Martell (Various), David A. Goodman (Various), Joanna Garcia (Various), Ralph Garman (Various)
When Peter runs up a tab at the local pharmacy, the only way out of paying the bill is to sell Meg to the owner’s son, Neil, who has been stalking her for months. But when Neil starts dating another girl, Meg becomes jealous and goes on the hunt to find a boyfriend of her own. Meanwhile, Stewie goes gaga over his hot new babysitter, Liddane.


Family Guy Episode Guide #59. Breaking Out Is Hard to Do (edit)
First aired: 7/17/2005
Family Guy Writer: Tom Devanney
Family Guy Director: Kurt Dumas
Family Guy Guest star:
Lois's kleptomania lands her in jail, leaving the Griffin household in a worse state of dissarray than usual. In an effort to restore their lives Peter breaks Lois out of jail, only to find themselves fugitives living in "Asian Town" Peter takes up sumo wrestling to pay the bills, until Joe sees Peter on television and goes after them. The family takes refuge in the sewers but its no use, Joe follows them even down there. A miscalculation sends him hurtling towards his certain doom when he is saved by Lois... which some how magically absolves her of her crimes.


Family Guy Episode Guide #60. Model Misbehavior (edit)
First aired: 7/24/2005
Family Guy Writer: Steve Callaghan
Family Guy Director: Sarah Frost
Family Guy Guest star: Kate Rigg (Brandi and Esperanza)
Lois fulfills a lifelong dream of being a model. Stewie starts on a multi-level marketing company. Brian in need of cash to buy his de-worming medication agrees to become his salesman.

Family Guy Episode Guide #61. Perfect Castaway (edit)
First aired: 9/11/2005
Family Guy Writer:
Family Guy Director:
Family Guy Guest star:
Coming Soon...


Family Guy Episode Guide #62. Peter's Got Woods (edit)
First aired: 9/18/2005
Family Guy Writer:
Family Guy Director:
Family Guy Guest star:
Coming Soon...


Family Guy Episode Guide #63. Jungle Love (edit)
First aired: 9/25/2005
Family Guy Writer:
Family Guy Director:
Family Guy Guest star:
Coming Soon...


Family Guy Episode Guide #64. Patriot Games (edit)
First aired: 1/1/2006
Family Guy Writer:
Family Guy Director:
Family Guy Guest star:
No Airdate has been announced.

Family Guy Episode Guide - Season 3

Information collected from TV Guide for each episode.

Family Guy Episode Guide #29. The Thin White Line (1) (edit)
First aired: 7/11/2001
Family Guy Writer: Steve Callaghan
Family Guy Director: Glen Hill
Family Guy Guest star: Thomas Dekker (Various), June Foray (Rocky), Leif Garrett (Himself), Haley Joel Osment (Various)
Brian feels like he's stuck in a rut so he takes his therapist's advice and tries to help others for a change. He ends up a very successful drug-sniffing dog for the Quahog police department, but along the way he gets addicted to cocaine. Peter is disappointed when the Griffin family has to cancel their planned vacation in the Bahamas to help support Brian who is in rehab, but decides to tag along with his dog when he sees the beautiful clinic. A therapist at the clinic tells Brian that Peter is a bad influence on him. Although Brian defends his friend and leaves rehab in protest, the wise dog realizes he does need some time away from the Griffin family and leaves Quahog for parts unknown.



Family Guy Episode Guide #30. Brian Does Hollywood (2) (edit)
First aired: 7/18/2001
Family Guy Writer: Gary Janetti
Family Guy Director: Gavin Dell
Family Guy Guest star: Louise DuArt (Various), Olivia Hack (Various), Jenna Jameson (Herself), Ron Jeremy (Himself), Ray Liotta (Himself)
Brian is a struggling screenwriter in Hollywood, which really means he's waitering and washing cars. Brian's cousin introduces the lost dog to a local producer who offers Brian a job directing... a porno. Meanwhile, Stewie has a successful audition for Kids Say the Darndest Things, and plots to use hypnotizing glasses on national television to take over the world. The Griffins get a free trip to Los Angeles due to Stewie's TV appearance and come to visit Brian at work. Brian is ashamed of working in porn and tries to hide it from his family, leading them to believe that he's now a stuck-up Hollywood big shot. Brian is miserable when he is nominated for a Woody Award for porn directing and can't share it with his family. Luckily, Brian's cousin calls the Griffins and tells them about the award. Brian's family is there to support him when he wins the Woody, and he realizes that it was a mistake to leave Quahog. Stewie's plot is foiled when Bill Cosby unwittingly uses the young boy's glasses and hypnotizes Stewie into being a complacent kid.



Family Guy Episode Guide #31. Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington (edit)
First aired: 7/25/2001
Family Guy Writer: Ricky Blitt
Family Guy Director: Brian Hogan
Family Guy Guest star: Ricky Blitt (Various), Louise DuArt (Various), Olivia Hack (Various), Meredith Scott Lynn (Various), Alyssa Milano (Herself), Brian Doyle-Murray (Various), Jack Sheldon (Various)
Peter's toy company gets bought out by the Eldorado cigarette company, and the toys are then used to market cigarettes to children. When Peter, on Lois's advice, confronts his new bosses about their evil use of toys, they promote Peter to president to shut him up. Lois, pleased with all the perks that come with Peter's new position, keeps her mouth shut too, while Brian quits smoking in protest. Peter's bosses send him to Washington to lobby against a bill that would put them out of business, because they figure politicians will be able to relate to a big dumb fat guy. When Lois finds Stewie smoking a cigarette, she goes down to Washington to stop what Peter's doing, and Peter ends up getting his tobacco company fined $100,000,000.



Family Guy Episode Guide #32. One If By Clam, Two If By Sea (edit)
First aired: 8/1/2001
Family Guy Writer: Jim Bernstein, Michael Shipley
Family Guy Director: Dan Povenmire
Family Guy Guest star: Hugh Laurie (Various), Alan Shearman (Various), Edward Asner ((voice) Steven Bellows)
When a hurricane strikes Quohog, everything is destroyed including The Drunken Clam, which is bought out by a Brit who turns it into an English pub. As it happens, pub owner Nigel Pinchley and his family move in next door to the Griffins, and Stewie tries to teach Nigel's Cockney-accented 3-year-old daughter how to speak proper English.


Family Guy Episode Guide #33. And the Wiener is... (edit)
First aired: 8/8/2001
Family Guy Writer: Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman
Family Guy Director: Bert Ring
Family Guy Guest star: Patrick Duffy (Jack), Lisa Wilhoit (Various), Debra Wilson (Various)
Peter joins a gun club but when he takes Chris on a father-son hunting trip, it takes brains, not brawn, to save them. Meanwhile, Meg finds herself the target of the cool kids' wrath at school.



Family Guy Episode Guide #34. Death Lives (edit)
First aired: 8/15/2001
Family Guy Writer: Mike Henry
Family Guy Director: Rob Renzetti
Family Guy Guest star: Adam Carolla (Death), Peter Frampton (Himself), Estelle Harris (Death's Mom), Laura Silverman (Various)
When Peter sets up a distracting scavenger hunt for Lois so that he can sneak away and play golf on their anniversary, he is struck by lightning. While he hovers in limbo, Death comes to give him a revelation. Through flashbacks of his relationship with Lois, Peter realizes that if he doesn't pay more attention to his beloved wife, she will leave him. At the same time, Peter gives Death dating tips, and gets the grim reaper a date with a girl from a pet store... who turns out to be incredibly boring. Peter gets out of limbo just in time to surprise Lois with Peter Frampton playing "their song" when she arrives to bust him playing golf.



Family Guy Episode Guide #35. Lethal Weapons (edit)
First aired: 8/22/2001
Family Guy Writer: Chris Sheridan
Family Guy Director: Brian Hogan
Family Guy Guest star: Michael Chiklis (Bronx Guy), Peter Gallagher (Various), Alastair Sherman (Various)
Bonnie convinces Lois to join her Tae-Jitsu class and Quahog is invaded by New York "leafers" coming to look at the pretty colored leaves in fall. Lois quickly becomes a black-belt, and Peter uses his new dangerous wife to drive away all the annoying New Yorkers. However, Lois's new-found violent side finds its way into the Griffin household, and after trying counseling, the whole family has an all-out brawl to get it out of their system.



Family Guy Episode Guide #36. The Kiss Seen Around the World (edit)
First aired: 8/29/2001
Family Guy Writer: Mark Hentemann
Family Guy Director: Pete Michels
Family Guy Guest star: Michael Chiklis (Various), Hugh Downs (Himself), Ralph Garman (Gene Rayburn), Mark Hentemann (Various), D.D. Howard (Various), Abe Vigoda (Himself), Lisa Wilhoit (Various)
When Meg, due to her crush on Tom Tucker, the newscaster, applies for an internship at the local television station and gets the job, she is disappointed to find that her news partner is the most reviled nerd in school, Neil. Caught in a life-threatening news situation, Meg laments that she never had a first kiss and agrees to kiss Neil only to find that he taped the whole thing in order to broadcast it across the world. Meg broadcasts her own news that she has no interest in Neil, sending him to the ledge on top of Town Hall. She breaks his fall, only to find out that he had no intention of jumping and was just trying to get her attention again. Stewie's prized new tricycle is stolen by the neighborhood bully, but the bully soon learns not to screw with Stewie.



Family Guy Episode Guide #37. Mr. Saturday Knight (edit)
First aired: 9/5/2001
Family Guy Writer: Steve Callaghan
Family Guy Director: Michael Dante DiMartino
Family Guy Guest star: David Berry (Bobby), Johnny Brennan (Mafioso), Adam Carolla (Death), Jackson Douglas (Various), Charles Durning (Francis), R. Lee Ermey (Coach), Will Ferrell (Black Knight), Ralph Garman (Gene Rayburn), Jimmy Kimmel (Various), Justin Koznar (Various)
Peter's boss dies and the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory is destroyed in order to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. Out of a job, Peter decides to follow his lifelong dream of becoming a knight with the traveling Renaissance Fair, but when he's caught in a compromising position with the infamous Black Knight's wench, he must defend his family's reputation in an old-fashioned duel.



Family Guy Episode Guide #38. Fish Out of Water (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 9/19/2001
Family Guy Writer: Alex Borstein, Mike Henry
Family Guy Director: Bert Ring
Family Guy Guest star: Michael Chiklis (Various), Ralph Garman (Various), Brian Doyle-Murray (Various), Lisa Wilhoit (Various)
Still out of work and now grotesquely overweight, Peter finally decides to find his true calling: fishing. He doesn't have the money to buy a boat so he goes to a police auction and overbids on one. Peter visits a loan shark and unwittingly signs a contract that will put him in debt forever. When Peter finds out about a mythic fish with a price on its head, he realizes that it's his best way of getting all his money back and his now repossessed house and possessions. Peter and the guys set out to catch Daggermouth, the man-eating bluefish. They go out and find the fish, only it turns out to be a robot. He collects the cash and gets everything back. Meanwhile, Lois tries to cheer up Meg because she wasn't invited anywhere for spring break. Lois takes her to a beach party and Meg gets jealous of all the attention her mom is getting. When it becomes too much to bare, Meg decides to flash all the spring breakers. Lois and Meg consequently get arrested.



Family Guy Episode Guide #39. Emission Impossible (edit)
First aired: 11/8/2001
Family Guy Writer: Dave Collard, Ken Goin
Family Guy Director: Peter Shin
Family Guy Guest star: Majet Barrett Roddenberry (Various), David Berry (Various), D.D. Howard (Various), Carol Kane (Various), Shawn Pyfrom (Various), Wallace Shawn (Various)
Peter and Lois visit Lois' sister Carole who is alone and pregnant since her husband walked out on her. While at the house, Carole goes into labor and Peter is forced to deliver. Overwhelmed by the experience, Peter and Lois decide to have another baby. A shocked and appalled Stewie however, makes it his mission to stop any conception whatsoever. Through varied attempts and schemes, Stewie is able to avoid any colloidal collisions between Peter and Lois, but when they lock him out of the room, he's forced to go into emergency mode. Stewie shrinks himself down to microscopic size and seeks out his new sibling (sperm-brother) inside Peter's body. Instead of killing his unborn brother, they hit it off - bonding over the desire to destroy Lois. Stewie leaves Peter's body with the new hope that his brother to-be will soon join him in his attempts at world domination.



Family Guy Episode Guide #40. To Live and Die in Dixie (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 11/15/2001
Family Guy Writer: Steve Callaghan
Family Guy Director: Dan Povenmire
Family Guy Guest star: Brian Dunkleman (Various), Dakota Fanning (Various), Ralph Garman (Various), Waylon Jennings (Himself), Kathleen Wilhoite (Various)
When Chris ID's a convenience store robber, his family is placed in the witness protection program and sent down to the Deep South for their own protection. There, Chris befriends a boy named Sam. When the town puts on a reenactment of the Civil War, reinventing history by having the South come away victorious, Peter questions the truth and the town turns against him. Because of Peter's "slander," Sam's father forbids Sam from seeing Chris. Upset, Sam kisses Chris on the mouth. Although flattered, Chris tells Sam that he's doesn't like him in a physical sense. Back in Quahog, A FBI agent accidentally tells the convenience store robber the location of the Griffins. At a party in the Deep South, Sam reveals to Chris that he's actually a girl. The robber arrives in the town and is about to kill Chris before the town residents step in and stop the thief.



Family Guy Episode Guide #41. Screwed The Pooch (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 11/29/2001
Family Guy Writer: Ken Goin, Dave Collard
Family Guy Director: Pete Michels
Family Guy Guest star: Bob Barker (Himself), Ralph Garman (Various), Don Lafontaine (Various), Jane Lynch (Various)
Brian admits to Peter and Lois that he has had a lot of sexual yearnings lately. Lois suggests that Brian join them on their visit to the Pewterschmidts for a change of scenery. In the meantime, Peter is determined to pick up the Pewterschmidt culture. Peter starts to impress Mr. Pewterschmidt, but all is for naught when he accidentally unties a knot while sailing. When Brian sees Mr. Pewterschmidt's dog, Sea Breeze, he loses it and attacks her. The doctor informs them that Sea Breeze is okay, but is pregnant. When Mr. Pewterschmidt refuses to let Brian near Sea Breeze or her litter, Brian sues Mr. Pewterschmidt for custody of the puppies, but only if he gets neutered. While Brian is in one room ready to be neutered, Sea Breeze is in another about to give birth. Just as Brian is about to neutered, Lois rushes in to save him and tells him that Sea Breeze gave birth to another breed and thus saving Brian from fatherhood.



Family Guy Episode Guide #42. Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? (edit)
First aired: 12/6/2001
Family Guy Writer: Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman
Family Guy Director: Scott Wood
Family Guy Guest star: Wayne Collins (Various), Meredith Scott Lynn (Various), Kim Parks (Various)
Chris gets a new job as the water boy for the basketball team. After being around the black players, Chris becomes a super-cool black dude in a white person's body. Cleveland takes Chris to learn about his own Irish heritage at a museum. Chris later visits a library to look up his genealogy and is elated to discover that a black man (Nate Griffin) was part of his family. Peter tries to embrace his black culture by visiting a black theatre and club, but he doesn't get it. When Lois' parents visit, it is revealed that the Pewterschmidts' ancestors owned Nate Griffin. The Pewterschmidts' give Peter money to alleviate their guilt. Soon Peter begins to suffer the discrimination of being black. While at a basketball game, Peter looks in the mirror and he sees Nate, who shows him that he has been selfish. Peter announces to everyone in the gym that he was a jerk for taking the money. He throws the cash in the air, and everyone scrambles to get their share, showing that all races are unified by greed. Meanwhile, Stewie plots to get rid of the head cheerleader so he can be on top of the pyramid.



Family Guy Episode Guide #43. Ready, Willing, and Disabled (edit)
First aired: 12/20/2001
Family Guy Writer: Alex Barnow, Marc Firek
Family Guy Director: Andi Klein
Family Guy Guest star: David Berry (Various), Valerie Bertinelli (Various), Tony Danza (Himself), Mark Hentemann (Various), Alex Rocco (Various)
When Joe loses a thief in a chase, he also loses his self confidence and pride as a police officer. Peter becomes determined to help Joe and offers to train him for the decathlon at the Olympics for handicapped athletes. Peter spikes Joe's drink with steroids and he goes on to win the gold medal and fame. Meanwhile, Stewie, Meg and Brian fight over a money clip and twenty six dollars.


Family Guy Episode Guide #44. A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 12/21/2001
Family Guy Writer: Danny Smith (IV)
Family Guy Director: Brian Hogan
Family Guy Guest star: Peter Criss (Various), Ace Frehley (Various), Gene Simmons (Himself), Paul Stanley (Various)
Lois loves the holiday season and is excited about decorating the house, opening presents and introducing Stewie to Santa Claus. Stewie, on the other hand, is completely paranoid about this fat man in a red suit who can somehow maintain 24-hour surveillance on all the world's children! Peter, sent to drop off one gift to Toys for Toddlers, accidentally gives all the family's presents to the charity. When he and Lois hit the mall to rebuy everything - they are caught up in the last-minute shopping madness. Lois and Peter are completely frazzled, but Lois clings desperately to the hope that they can still have wonderful Christmas. That hope is dashed, however, when they arrive home to find Brian, the house and the Christmas turkey burned to a crisp. Lois finally snaps and goes on quest to snatch the star from atop the city's huge Christmas tree. Only Stewie's motivational speech as the baby jesus (and a tranquilizer gun) can bring Lois back down to earth.


Family Guy Episode Guide #45. Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 1/17/2002
Family Guy Writer: Allison Adler
Family Guy Director: Dan Povenmire
Family Guy Guest star: A.J. Benza (Various), Adria Firestone (Various), Melora Hardin (Various), Jane Lynch (Various)
When Brian is arrested for drunk driving, he's forced to do community service, which consists of helping Peggy, a middle-aged, agoraphobic, bitter woman. Brian gets so fed up with her insanity, that he storms out of her house. Later, Brian watches a television documentary that reveals Peggy's past as a top advertising jingle singer of the 1950s and 60s. Brian warms up to her, realizing where her pain comes from, and eventually she warms up to him too. He convinces Peggy to actually go outside, but she gets by a bus. While on her deathbed, Brian and Peggy share a fantasy intimate moment, but as they are about to kiss, she dies. Meanwhile, Peter grows a beard and learns that a swallow has nested inside it. He wants to shave it off but can't when he finds out the bird is an endangered species. Peter eventually grows attached to the bird and starts feeling maternal. Lois is finally able to convince Peter to let the bird fly away and also teaches Brian about moving on with his life after Peggy's death.


Family Guy Episode Guide #46. From Method to Madness (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 1/24/2002
Family Guy Writer: Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman
Family Guy Director: Bert Ring
Family Guy Guest star: Ralph Garman (Various), Jane Lynch (Various), Denis Martell (Various), Mark Paredes (Various), Fred Willard (Various)
When Brian expresses his interest in theatre, Lois tells him to try out for the Quahog School of Performing Arts. During the audition, Brian turns in a mediocre performance and is dismissed by the judges. Stewie, determined to get Brian a second chance, throws a melodramatic fit. The teachers, impressed with Stewie's theatrics, enroll him in the rising stars program. Stewie doesn't realize he is struggling at the school until he overhears his teachers discussing how he and Olivia, the school's most promising but overly haughty student. will be asked to leave if they don't shine in the quarterly review. Stewie tells Olivia that they must put on the performance of a lifetime or they'll get kicked out, and their routine is a hit. Stewie and Olivia become fast friends, but the harmony ends when competition, pressure and fast-fame set in. Olivia walks off the stage mid-routine, leaving Stewie to finish the performance. Stewie takes his act solo, but is booed everywhere he goes. Meanwhile Meg finally gets a boyfriend, a boy from an all-American family. There's only one problem with this family though - they're nudists.


Family Guy Episode Guide #47. Stuck Together, Torn Apart (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 1/31/2002
Family Guy Writer: Mark Hentemann
Family Guy Director: Michael Dante DiMartino
Family Guy Guest star: Jennifer Love Hewitt (Various), Meredith Scott Lynn (Various)
Peter's jealousy reaches new heights when he accompanies Lois to the gynecologist. As the doctor prepares to examine Lois, Peter refuses to let him near her. Later, while shopping, Lois runs into an ex-boyfriend, Ross Fishman, who innocently asks her out for coffee. Fearful of Peter over-reacting, Lois sneaks off to meet Ross. At the same time, Joe picks up Peter for a joyride in his new high-tech surveillance van. While parked outside a diner, they see Lois and Ross inside. Using the van's high-tech gadgets, Peter misinterprets Lois and Ross' words. Angered, Peter decides to make Lois jealous by hiring prostitutes to pose as his ex-girlfriends. Realizing their marriage needs help, Lois and Peter see a marriage therapist, who suggests placing video cameras around the house for a week. After viewing the tapes, the therapist recommends that Peter and Lois date other people during a trial separation. Quagmire, hoping to take advantage of Lois' vulnerability, invites her on a date to a restaurant where they run into Peter and his gorgeous date, Jenner Love Hewitt. Lois becomes enraged with jealousy and shoos Peter's date away. They leave together happily. Meanwhile, Stewie and Brian accidentally super glue themselves together at the store. They have to wait a week before the solvent arrives in the mail. While stuck together, they actually begin to like one another. Of course, things return to normal the moment they're released from their glued prison.


Family Guy Episode Guide #48. Road to Europe (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 2/7/2002
Family Guy Writer: Daniel Palladino
Family Guy Director: Dan Povenmire
Family Guy Guest star: Andy Dick (Various), Jon Favreau (Various), Sean Flynn (Various), Lauren Graham (Various), Michelle Horn (Various), Don Lafontaine (Various), Jane Lynch (Various), Michael McKean (Various), Gene Simmons (Himself), Paul Stanley (Various), Fred Willard (Various), Sean Flynn Amir (Various)
Stewie is addicted to the British hot children's show "Jolly Farm Review" based on Mother Maggie, a benevolent figure who looks after kids on a farm. Brian makes fun of Stewie for watching the show, but Stewie is determined to visit Jolly Farm in England because he thinks he belongs there. He stows away on a British Airways jet, which he assumes is headed for London. Brian tries to drag Stewie off the plane, but before he can, the plane takes off. When the plane lands, they discover that they are in Saudi Arabia are stranded in the middle of a desert with no passports or resources to get out. As luck would have it, Brian and Stewie encounter a Comfort Inn in the middle of nowhere and manage to steal a hot-air balloon to fly home, but the contraption falls apart over Italy, just as the Pope is about to address the masses. Brian wants to head home, but Stewie insists on finding the Jolly Farm in England. When they finally get to England, Stewie runs onto the set of the show. His fantasy is crushed when he encounters only a set full of props and disgruntled people, including Mother Maggie. Brian shows Stewie Charles Dickens' modest house and points out that Dickens was able to rise out of poverty to accomplish great things and Stewie will be able to achieve success even though he feels stifled at the Griffin house. Meanwhile, Lois and Peter travel to KISS-stock, where Lois embarrasses herself because she doesn't know the lyrics to a KISS song. She redeems herself though when it's revealed that she once hooked up with band leader Gene Simmons!


Family Guy Episode Guide #49. Family Guy Viewer Mail #1 (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 2/14/2002
Family Guy Writer: Gene Laufenberg, Seth MacFarlane, Michael Shipley, Jim Bernstein
Family Guy Director: Pete Michels, Scott Wood, Michael Dante DiMartino
Family Guy Guest star: Adam Carolla (Death), Bil Goldberg (Bonebreaker), Judy Greer (Various), Kerrigan Mahan (Various), Regis Philbin (Himself), Kelly Ripa (Herself), Lane Schnaitter (Various), Michael Winslow (Various)
In a special three-story episode, Brian reads viewer mail and tries to answer profound questions: "Li'l Griffins" The Griffins as the little rascals. Kid versions of Peter, Joe, and Brian decide that they don't need girls. When they first meet Lois however, they quickly abandon their anti-girl sentiment. In school, Lois reads a book touting the virtues of bravery, and Peter and Quagmire try to prove who's the bravest by staying in a haunted house overnight. "No Bones About it" Peter rubs a beer bottle and a Genie pops out to grant him three wishes. Peter first wishes that Jackie Gleason wasn't dead. A zombie-like Gleason terrorizes the Griffins until Stewie blasts it dead. Peter then wishes he didn't have any bones. The Genie transforms him into a gelatin blob and he can no longer have sex. Upset, Peter flushes himself down the toilet and winds up in Hollywood. He meets a doctor who tells him about a re-boning procedure. Peter gets the operation, which turns out came from bones donated from his own family. "Super Griffins" A tanker truck containing radioactive waste slams into the Griffin house. The radiation affects each Griffin in a different way. Lois gains super strength while Peter has morphing ability. Lois tells her family that they must not abuse their powers. Of course that doesn't work and the town is forced to hold a meeting to see how to stop the Griffins from wreaking havoc. Adam West realizes he must fight fire with fire. He volunteers to roll around in toxic waste but he only gets lymphoma as a result. The Griffins, racked with guilt, use their powers to make Adam's recovery more comfortable.


Family Guy Episode Guide #50. When You Wish Upon a Weinstein (edit)
Family Guy First aired: 12/10/2004
Family Guy Writer: Ricky Blitt
Family Guy Director: Dan Povenmire
Family Guy Guest star: Andrea Beutner (Various), Ricky Blitt (Various), Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker), Ed McMahon (Himself), Peter Riegert (Various), Mary Scheer (Various), Ben Stein (Rabbi Goldberg)
The day that Peter buys volcano insurance is the day that Lois becomes fed up with their constant money problems. When Peter wishes for a Jewish "money guy" to help them, Max Weinstein comes to the rescue. After meeting Max, Peter decides Chris could be successful if he converted to Judaism as soon as possible, but the plans for a "quickie" bar mitzvah in Las Vegas are quickly foiled by Lois.

Family Guy Episode Guide - Season 2

Information collected from TV Guide for each episode.

Family Guy Episode Guide #8. Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater (edit)
First aired: 9/23/1999
Writer: Chris Sheridan
Director: Jeff Myers
Guest star: Fairuza Balk (Connie DiMico), Bill Escudier (Various), Gregory Jbara (Various), Robin Leach (Himself), Alex Thomas (Various)

When Lois' wealthy aunt dies unexpectedly, the Griffins inherit her extravagant mansion. Although his family doesn't want to relocate, Peter is eager to enter the ranks of the upper classes and moves them onto the estate. Revenue from the sale of the Griffins' old house goes to the live-in servants, who haven't been paid in months. Caught up in the spirit of his new social standing, Peter bids ten million dollars at the Historical Society for a work of art, offering to trade his mansion for the piece. It is revealed, however, that the mansion used to be a whorehouse and is not worth any significant amount. A commoner once again, Peter finds that his family still loves him.


Family Guy Episode Guide #9. Holy Crap (edit)
First aired: 9/30/1999
Writer: Danny Smith (IV)
Director: Neil Affleck
Guest star: Charles Durning (Francis), Andrew Gormley (Various), Olivia Hack (Various), Dwight Schultz (Various), Florence Stanley (Various), Patrick Warburton (Various), David Zuckerman (Various)

Peter's dad is forced to retire from the mill. A stern workaholic, the elder Griffin does not take retirement well. When Peter and Lois suggest that he come spend some time with them, Peter's dad agrees, and Peter gets excited at the prospect of bonding with his father. But the new living arrangement doesn't go according to plan: In addition to being a workaholic, Peter's dad is also a control freak. He tells the children what TV shows they can watch, tells Peter how to spend his free time and instructs Lois on how to raise the kids. Peter decides that the best way to get closer to his father is to bring him along to the toy factory, but this plan also backfires. Peter's boss is impressed by the retiree's work ethic and hires him as a foreman, ensuring widespread misery at the plant. After Peter's dad increases work hours and implements strict rules, Peter is desperate to make him quit, and tries to convince him to participate in a plot to kidnap the Pope. The Pontiff is also impressed by the retiree's ambition, and offers him yet another job.


Family Guy Episode Guide #10. DaBoom (edit)
First aired: 12/26/1999
Writer: Neil Goldman, Garrett Donovan
Director: Bob Jaques
Guest star: Patrick Duffy (Bobby Ewing), Victoria Principal (Pamela Ewing), Jack Perkins (Various), Will Sasso (Various), Joey Slotnick (Various)

Peter is paranoid about the end of the world and makes the family cancel all their New Year's Eve '99 plans. For once, he is right about something: On January 1st, 2000, bombs destroy every structure in the world, except for a surprisingly sturdy Twinkie factory. The Griffins set out to find the factory, but along the way Stewie is kidnapped by a band of mutants. The episode ends with Victoria Principal telling Patrick Duffy that she just had a dream in which she saw a crazy episode of Family Guy.


Family Guy Episode Guide #11. Brian in Love (edit)
First aired: 3/7/2000
Writer: Gary Janetti
Director: Jack Dyer
Guest star: D.D. Howard (Various), Sam Waterston (Dr. Kaplan)

After cleaning up more than few pee stains around the house, Lois thinks it may be time to potty-train Stewie. Stewie, outraged that he's being blamed for the carpet stains, totally resists Peter's efforts to train him. Meanwhile, Brian knows the truth - that he's the one responsible for the "accidents." Mortified, he continues to blame Stewie, until an accident in the grocery store reveals his messy little secret. Brian goes to a therapist who suggests a European (you're-a-pee-n?) vacation to ease Brian's stress. Not until he returns from his travels does Brian realize the true source of his problem - his secret crush on Lois!


Family Guy Episode Guide #12. Love Thy Trophy (edit)
First aired: 3/14/2000
Writer: Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman
Director: Jack Dyer
Guest star: Debra Wilson (Various)

When their Who's the Boss float takes top prize in the Quahog Harvest Day Parade, the neighborhood literally goes to war over who gets custody of the trophy. Meanwhile, in an effort to get big tips at her new waitressing job, Meg tells customers that Stewie is her illegitimate crack baby. When family services investigates, and finds the Griffin home in the middle of a war zone, they take custody of Stewie. Once everyone finds out that Stewie's in foster care, the neighborhood declares peace and plots a rescue mission.


Family Guy Episode Guide #13. Death Is a Bitch (edit)
First aired: 3/21/2000
Writer: Ricky Blitt
Director: Michael Dante DiMartino
Guest star: Cara Newman (Various), Norm Macdonald (Death [uncredited])

After Lois discovers a lump in Peter's breast, he lands in the hospital. He's okay, until the whopping bill arrives! To avoid payment, Peter fools the hospital into thinking he's dead. As a result, Death pays a visit to the Griffin home. While Stewie is excited to meet his idol, the rest of the family doesn't want Peter to go--especially Peter! A chase ensues and Death is injured. While He recuperates, Peter is forced to take over Death's unpopular duties.


Family Guy Episode Guide #14. The King Is Dead (edit)
First aired: 3/28/2000
Writer: Craig Hoffman
Director: Monte Young
Guest star:

Lois is named the new artistic director of the Quahog Players theatre group and decides to direct The King and I as her first production. Peter wants to be a star and becomes such a nuisance that Lois makes him a producer to get him out of her hair. He goes on a major power trip and soon wrestles total control away from Lois, kicking her off the production team all together! Peter soon realizes his vision by turning the musical into a racy cyborg battle, complete with bikini-clad dancing girls.


Family Guy Episode Guide #15. I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar (edit)
First aired: 3/28/2000
Writer: Chris Sheridan
Director: Monte Young
Guest star: Candice Bergen (Gloria Ironbox), Faith Ford (Corky Sherwood)

Peter starts telling inappropriate jokes at work and a female coworker sues him for harassment. Forced to go on a retreat for women, Peter resists at first. After two weeks, however, the effects of female bonding kick in and Peter becomes a sensitive male. Back at home, no one finds Peter's new "female" behavior charming, least of all Lois. Sure, the cuddling in bed is nice, but when Peter tries to breast-feed Stewie, Lois starts getting annoyed. When they both attend a women's charity dinner, Lois and the guest speaker get into a knock-down, drag-out fight--and Peter gets so turned on by the "chick" wrestling, he snaps out of his female phase.


Family Guy Episode Guide #16. If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin' (edit)
First aired: 4/4/2000
Writer: Chris Sheridan
Director: Swinton O. Scott III
Guest star: Martin Mull (Mr. Harris), Peter Roth (Various), Fred Tatasciore (Chevy Chase)

When Peter's favorite show, Gumbel 2 Gumbel, faces cancellation, he takes drastic measures to save it. Using Chris as bait for "The Make-A-Dream-Come-True" Foundation, Peter tells them that Chris' dying wish is that the show be renewed. But when the Foundation arrives to check up on Chris' "tumorsyphillis-itis-osis", Peter panics and tells them that Chris was miraculously cured. Word spreads of the "miracle" and Peter becomes the "Miracle Healer of Quahog." Of course, Peter loves the attention and Lois thinks it's immoral to live such a lie. When the Griffins become mysteriously plagued by everything from locusts to bloody bathwater, Lois forces Peter to end the charade.


Family Guy Episode Guide #17. Running Mates (edit)
First aired: 4/11/2000
Writer: Garrett Donovan, Neil Goldman
Director: John Holmquist
Guest star: Patrick Bristow (Various), Lee Majors (Himself), Dwight Schultz (Various)

Lois decides to run for the school board, which thrills Stewie who will be somewhat unsupervised during her campaign. Lois runs unopposed until Peter joins the race in order to get his favorite teacher reinstated. He immediately starts negative campaigning that spreads lies about Lois and shows sexy photos of her.. His tactics work and Peter is elected. His first order of business is to replace the hall monitors with robots. Ultimately, his new policies backfire when Peter allows Chris to bring porno mags to school and protests erupt. Peter must publicly apologize in order to win Lois back and save face with the town of Quahog.


Family Guy Episode Guide #18. A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Bucks (edit)
First aired: 4/18/2000
Writer: Craig Hoffman
Director: Gavin Dell
Guest star: Dee Bradley Baker (Various), Candice Bergen (Murphy Brown), Faith Ford (Corky Sherwood), Charles Kimbrough (Jim Dial), Joe Regalbuto (Frank Fontana)

During a birthday visit to Funland, Peter runs into a former classmate who founded the amusement park. Peter starts to think he won't have a great legacy like Funland to leave once he dies. Chris gives Peter a painting to cheer him up, and Peter sells it to a New York gallery for five grand. Deciding that Chris is his only hope for a legacy, Peter moves the family to New York so Chris can become a famous artist.


Family Guy Episode Guide #19. Fifteen Minutes of Shame (edit)
First aired: 4/25/2000
Writer: Steve Callaghan
Director: Scott Wood
Guest star: Will Ferrell (Black Knight), Jay Mohr (Various), Lisa Wilhoit (Various)

In an effort to up her popularity, Meg has a slumber party. However, the night is disrupted by the embarrassing antics of both Lois and Peter. Mortified, Meg takes the family on a talk show where they are "discovered" by network execs. The Griffins become a TV sensation when they are followed around by cameras 24-hours a day in a show called "The Real Griffins." Soon after the show's premiere, executives decide that Meg is too boring and have her recast with a slutty teen girl.


Family Guy Episode Guide #20. Road to Rhode Island (edit)
First aired: 5/30/2000
Writer: Gary Janetti
Director: Dan Povenmire
Guest star: Brian Doyle-Murray (Salty), Victoria Principal (Pamela Ewing)

When Stewie begins causing trouble at his grandparents' house in Palm Springs, Brian offers to go across country to bring him home. But as Brian drinks in an airport bar, Stewie manages to lose the airline tickets, forcing them to road trip back to Quahog. Along the way, they stop at the puppy mill in Austin where Brian was born. After finding out that his mother has died, been stuffed, and now serves as a table, Brian and Stewie manage to steal the table (er, Mom) to give her a proper burial.


Family Guy Episode Guide #21. Let's Go to the Hop (edit)
First aired: 6/6/2000
Writer: Matt Weitzman, Mike Barker
Director: Glen Hill
Guest star: Gregg Allman (Himself), Fairuza Balk (Various), Mary Kay Bergman (Various), Patrick Bristow (Various), Wayne Collins (Various), Tom Dorfmeister (Various), Joey Slotnick (Various), Fred Tatasciore (Various)

When the kids at Quahog High discover that licking toads will get them high, Peter poses as a student at Meg's school to narc out the young offenders. But the undercover work goes a little too well -- Peter soon finds himself the big man on campus, living the high school life he always wanted but never got. Next thing you know, Peter's going to the big school dance with Meg's rival Connie, the most popular girl in school.


Family Guy Episode Guide #22. Dammit Janet (edit)
First aired: 6/13/2000
Writer: Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman
Director: Bert Ring
Guest star: Mo Collins (Various), Camryn Manheim (Various), Haley Joel Osment (Various)

Fearing that Stewie has no social skills, Lois places him in daycare. Stewie hates the bureaucracy of the playground until he sets his eyes on doe-eyed toddler, Janet. While he tries various ways to impress her, he finally wins her over by sharing his cookies. Meanwhile, Lois now has nothing to do all day so Peter talks her into becoming a flight attendant. Peter's ulterior motive is to take advantage of the free travel - and he promptly starts abusing the privilege. When Peter and Lois land on the same flight, Peter's game is over! Unfortunately the plane is highjacked and forced to land in Cuba, where Peter and Lois remained stranded. After a trip to the local black market, the gain passage back to the U.S. on a lifeboat filled with refugees.


Family Guy Episode Guide #23. There's Something About Paulie (edit)
First aired: 6/27/2000
Writer: Ricky Blitt
Director: Monte Young
Guest star: Michael Chiklis (Big Fat Paulie), Robert Costanzo (Various), Jon Cryer (Various), Alan King (Various), Brent Michael (Various), Haley Joel Osment (Various), Diane Robin (Various), Jerry Sroka (Various), Debra Wilson (Various)

Peter and Lois go to buy a second car, but when Peter refuses to listen to Lois's good advice, they end up buying a lemon. Peter gets an offer from the mob to steal his crappy car so he can get insurance to pay for another one, and despite warnings from his friend, he takes the deal. Of course, shortly thereafter, the mob comes to Peter to ask for a favor. The Don asks Peter to take his annoying nephew, Big Fat Paulie, out to the movies. Big Fat Paulie ends up coming home for dinner with Peter, and pissing off the entire Griffin family. Peter tells Paulie that he can't hang out with him anymore because Lois doesn't like him, so Paulie takes out a hit on Lois.


Family Guy Episode Guide #24. He's Too Sexy for His Fat (edit)
First aired: 6/27/2000
Writer: Chris Sheridan
Director: Glen Hill
Guest star: Jay Mohr (Various)

Due to Brian's embarrassing flea problem, the Griffin's move into a hotel while the house if fumigated. Lois and Peter soon discover that Chris has been skipping gym class because he's self-conscious about his body. Peter tries to talk Chris into getting liposuction, while Lois starts preparing him special low fat meals. Stewie starts taunting Chris by eating everything in sight, and starts packing on the baby fat. Even though Chris isn't up for surgery, Peter decides to go for it. The new, svelte Peter has Lois all hot and bothered. Peter loves the results of his lipo and decides to have some work done on his face. The new, handsome Peter starts getting all sorts of special treatment: at the gym, at the grocery store, even from total strangers. Lois doesn't like the new Peter's attitude, especially when he joins "The Beautiful People's Club." Karma catches up to Peter while he's on his way to the club. Unable to take his eyes off himself, Peter plunges his car over a cliff. The nasty fall - and subsequent crash-landing into a large vat of lard - leaves him horribly disfigured (ie: back to normal).


Family Guy Episode Guide #25. E. Peterbus Unum (edit)
First aired: 7/12/2000
Writer: Neil Goldman, Garrett Donovan
Director: Rob Renzetti
Guest star: Shawn Pyfrom (Oliver)

It's tax refund season, and everyone's cashing in except Peter! Tired of watching his neighbors buy expensive toys, Peter decides to get an accountant that can net him a profit. Satisfied that the new CPA will get him a huge refund, Peter announces to the family that he's going to use the money to put in a pool. While excitement at the Griffin house grows, Peter goes to get a building permit. He's shocked to learn that the city codes do not allow swimming pools. Outraged, Peter digs deeper (so to speak) and learns that the county has no record of his land. Armed with this new info, Peter decides to declare his land a country and make himself the president!


Family Guy Episode Guide #26. The Story on Page One (edit)
First aired: 7/18/2000
Writer: Craig Hoffman
Director: Gavin Dell
Guest star: Mary Kay Bergman (Various), Luke Perry (Himself)

After an interview at Brown University, Meg realizes she needs more extra-curricular activities to gain entrance to this prestigious school. She joins every club and even tries cheerleading, but fails miserably at them all. Finally, she decides to join the school newspaper. Her journalism career goes nowhere, until Peter fabricates a story regarding actor Luke Perry. Peter writes a gossipy article, but uses Meg's byline. When the article is published it creates a sensation, because Peter claimed Luke Perry was gay. Meg and Peter soon become embroiled in a headline-grabbing lawsuit when Luke sues them for defamation of character.


Family Guy Episode Guide #27. Wasted Talent (edit)
First aired: 7/25/2000
Writer: Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman
Director: Bert Ring
Story: Dave Collard, Ken Goin
Guest star: Adam Carolla (Death), Michael McKean (Various), Jonathan Osser (Various), Julia Sweeney (Various)

When the local brewery has a contest offering tours of the plant, Peter and his friends go on a drinking binge trying to find the winning beer can. Through a stroke of dumb luck, Peter and Brian actually find one of the winning "scrolls". In a Willy Wonka homage, Peter and Brian start the tour, but are quickly kicked out after breaking the rules. Meanwhile, Lois's students have a big piano recital/competition coming up - and Lois is praying one of her students wins. She thinks she's got a lock on it when she signs a new student, Ling, a piano prodigy. However, in her enthusiasm, Lois works Ling too hard and she drops out! In an odd twist, Peter - in a drunken stupor over being booted from the contest - sits down at the piano and plays brilliantly! Lois is thrilled and keeps Peter drunk long enough to win the piano recital.


Family Guy Episode Guide #28. Fore, Father (edit)
First aired: 8/1/2000
Writer: Bobby Bowman
Director: Scott Wood
Guest star:

After a father-son camping trip, Peter realizes how irresponsible Chris is after raccoons steal their food and their car. Back at home, Peter gets Chris a job at the local golf course to try and teach him to be more responsible. Chris is content to just pick up golf balls, until he discovers that Peter has entered the father-son golf tournament, with Cleveland Jr.! Discouraged that Peter is focusing all his attention on Cleveland Jr., Chris rebels by hanging out with Quagmire at strip clubs. Ultimately, Cleveland Jr. abandons Peter who recruits Chris at the last minute. However, when they lose, Peter must deal with an angry group of gamblers who put money on Cleveland Jr. Despite all the recent heartache, Chris gives his dad his first paycheck in order to save his butt!

Family Guy Episode Guide - Season 1

Information collected from TV Guide for each episode.

Family Guy Episode #1. Death Has a Shadow
First aired: 1/31/1999
Writer: Seth MacFarlane
Director: Peter Shin
Guest star: Fred Tatasciore (Chevy Chase), Joey Slotnick (Dick Clark), Billy West (Various)
Against strict orders from Lois, Peter drinks profusely at his buddy's bachelor party. After showing up at work hung over, Peter gets fired. When he applies for welfare, they accidentally send him a check for $150,000, which leads to a spending binge. When Lois discovers the truth, Peter attempts to return the money to the taxpayers by dumping it from a blimp at the Super Bowl. But when he is arrested, his family must come to the rescue.


Family Guy Episode #2. I Never Met the Dead Man
First aired: 4/11/1999
Writer: Chris Sheridan
Director: Michael Dante DiMartino
Guest star: Erik Estrada (Officer Ponch [Uncredited]), Frank Welker (Freddy), Joey Slotnick (Various), Aaron Lustig (Various)
While teaching Meg to drive, Peter crashes into a satellite dish and knocks out the city's cable. He goes crazy without television, until Lois suggests he spend more time with his family. This plan backfires when Peter drives the family nuts. Meanwhile, after Lois forces Stewie to eat his broccoli, he attempts to destroy all vegetables by building a weather control device.


Family Guy Episode #3. Chitty Chitty Death Bang
First aired: 4/18/1999
Writer: Danny Smith (IV)
Director: Dominic Polcino
Guest star: John O'Hurley (Cult Leader), Waylon Jennings (Himself), Gary Janetti (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Cleveland), Patrick Bristow (Various)
Lois is furious with Peter when he allows Meg to attend a party the same day as Stewie's first birthday. Unbeknownst to Meg, she's actually attending a cult meeting and when Peter brings her back home, the cult leader follows. Stewie recognizes the leader as the man who wants to return him to the "ovarian bastille."


Family Guy Episode #4. Mind Over Murder
First aired: 4/25/1999
Writer: Garrett Donovan, Neil Goldman
Director: Roy Allen Smith
Guest star: Leslie Uggams (Various), Alex Rocco (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Cleveland)
When Peter goes to Chris' soccer game, he inadvertently punches a woman he thought was a man. Restless under house arrest, Peter turns the basement into a bar and Lois ends up stealing the show. Meanwhile, Stewie attempts to create a time machine to avoid teething pain.



Family Guy Episode #5. A Hero Sits Next Door
First aired: 5/2/1999
Writer: Matt Weitzman, Mike Barker
Director: Monte Young
Guest star: Michelle Kwan (Herself), Suzie Plakson (Various)
When a bubbly new family moves next door, Peter gets annoyed. Lois becomes fast friends with Debbie, Meg tries to pick up on son Kyle and Peter is forced to invite Joe to play on his company baseball team. But when Joe shows up to the game in a wheelchair and wins the crowd's hearts with his slick maneuvers and winning plays, Peter decides he wants to be a hero too.


Family Guy Episode #6. The Son Also Draws
First aired: 5/9/1999
Writer: Ricky Blitt
Director: Neil Affleck
Guest star: Fred Tatasciore (Various), Bobby Slayton (Lenny), Suzie Plakson (Various), Patrick Bristow (Various)
Chris is booted from the Youth Scouts, so Peter takes the family to the Big Apple to get him reinstated. But when Peter takes a wrong turn, they end up at a Native American casino where Lois hits the slot machine once too often. Peter must embark on a vision quest to prove he has Native American blood to save the day.


Family Guy Episode #7. Brian: Portrait of a Dog
First aired: 5/16/1999
Writer: Gary Janetti
Director: Michael Dante DiMartino
Guest star: Dick Van Patten (Tom Bradford), Joey Slotnick (Various), Mary Scheer (Various)
Peter persuades Brian to swallow his pride and enter a dog show to win some extra cash. But when they argue over a trick gone bad, Brian decides he's had enough of being a second-class citizen. His struggle to assert his civil rights lands him on death row at the pound, where he discovers every dog has his day.

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When people say or do these things, do they get annoying?

When people point at their watch and ask what time it is. I know where my watch is, where's yours? I don't point at my pants and ask where the bathroom is now do I?!

People are willing to get up and search the entire room for the remote because they refuse to walk up to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "its always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you found it? Do people really do this? Who and where are they?

When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.' OF COURSE. What good is a cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people at the movies say 'you see that?' No, I paid $9.00 to come to the theater and to stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

When something is 'new and improved', which one is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been sumthin before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, your the one that pulled me over.

When people say 'Life is short' What? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! Is there something they are doing longer, and what is it?

When people ask 'Can I BORROW a piece of paper?' Sure, but when you put all your answers on it, I want it back! I mean its a piece of paper!

When your waiting for the bus and the guy next to you asks 'bus come yet?' If it had came I wouldn't be standing here now would I?

People who ask, 'Can I ask you a question?' Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

- Funny Jokes! Funny Jokes! Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes

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